How to cope with children crying?
Are we the ones who should allow or
not allow the child to express their emotions?
Who allows or does not allow us to express emotions?
It is up to us to decide about ourselves.
There is no need to be afraid to express emotions in front of the child.
The child thus learns to recognize a wide range of emotions - both positive and negative. It is known that retaining emotions is not healthy for our body. We need a filter through which emotions will come out, so that our body can be in a stable state.
To whom it's worse?
... the parent dealing with their own emotions that they feel while something is wrong with the child or while the child is expressing some negative emotions ... or is it harder in those moments for the child who is feeling those negative emotions?
We can't know whom is worse, but the parent is the one who is more aware of his self and other people's emotions and internalizes both the child's and also his own condition. It can be said that parents sometimes go through everything doubly.
Is it difficult for a parent to allow a child to express their emotions?
Sometimes really it is.
When they cry, we can't listen to them ...
My personal experience confirms that. Before I had a baby I had experiences with baby crying from kindergarten. This mostly refers to the period of adaptation for the nursery children, during which I am always present in groups and comfort the children, parents, educators and myself. It has never been easy for me nor will it be. I always have a need to do everything just to keep the baby from crying. That's just inside of me. Over the years, I've learned (even though I knew it in theory from the beginning) that kids have to cry and after they're done everything will be fine. That fact doesn't make this part, when you need to listen to them and try to comfort and divert attention as they cry, much easier. During those years, I used to talk to my godmother (who has 3 children) about parenting methods and I would advise her to try doing some things more persistently and to endure a little resentment, so in a few days it will be better (for example putting a child to sleep in a crib). and she would always answer me that she could not listen to children cries not for a second.
Then I became a mom myself. When he used to cry as a baby, it was like someone with needles was steaming my ears, it really was a horrible feeling as he cried. I thought it was hard for me in the kindergarten, but my baby's crying is still (at least) a thousand times harder. While he was having cramps and crying inconsolably, I used to cry with him and then dad jumped in to comfort us both.
And now I write "let the baby cry" with this background.
I am writing an article for myself and you. I think that crying is the most difficult for everyone in situations when a child is in pain or sick and we can't help them, but we just can be there for them. These would be emotions caused by a physical condition, over which neither we nor the child have an influence, and which will always be difficult to accept for both children and parents.
I would now touch on the emotions that are caused by the interaction in the parent-child relationship. For example, when a parent defends a child from certain actions ("It's not for playing, put it back where it was," "We said we'd buy one bar of chocolate in the store, we can't buy more than that," "The bed is not for jumping, it's dangerous." etc.), the child will possibly react with the emotion of dissatisfaction in some way. Depending on the child's character and parenting style, the child will either start crying, shouting, throwing himself on the floor, protesting in some way, and some will just repeat what the parent said or will laugh because they know it isn't allowed and so on.
In situations of talking about boundaries, the child will express a variety of emotions. We will now translate the child's above reactions into emotions:
crying = sadness, shouting = anger, throwing on the floor = defiance, protesting = dissatisfaction, repeating after a parent = composure, smiling = agreeing.
* Note: some of the listed emotions may actually seem like traits, but they seemed to me the most appropriate to explain the child's condition.
Although, each of these actions of the child, depending on the specific situation, can mean different emotions: jealousy, spite, fear, shame, disgust, happiness, identification, etc.
Now, when a child in such situations starts shouting, crying, hitting ... we want to stop such behavior as soon as possible.
Is this always the right thing to do?
Parental assessment is needed here. It is clear how it is right to stop dangerous situations (hitting, throwing, etc.), and what about crying, shouting? How much crying should a child get out of it, and after how much should we try to stop it? It would be crucial when the child starts to cry that we notice this and address the child, eg "It's okay to be sad, can I help you?" If the child is not interested and does not want to talk, we can try to verbalize what happened, eg "You mustn't put your fingers in the socket because it's dangerous, now you're a little sad, but mom / dad is if you want to talk / or a hug". It is also necessary to assess what might suit each individual child in such a situation. What is verified that is not appropriate in such situations are statements like "Don't cry, why are you crying, we've said it 100 times ..." or "Well, you're already big, don't cry" or "That's not a reason to cry at all ".
Do you understand? You can comfort the child and want him not to cry, but by no means restrain him and say that he/she should not cry. We all cry sometimes and that's okay. We need to allow the child to learn self-regulation of emotions.
It is also difficult to recognize an emotion and react properly and then still give the child space to express that emotion in a safe way. Plus in every situation. So we listen to the child, think about him, put together guidelines in our head and then when the next situation comes up we say to ourselves "Just don't tell him / her don't cry and talk to him / her".
It's simple if we set it to be simple. So let's allow the child to express what is coming from within, to bring it to the surface and filter their organism. And if it's harder for us than for a child, let's allow ourselves to get it out of us in some acceptable way.
Tea without taboos